Dear Friends on the blog,
Where
to begin? The days are busy, tending to so many things, on both sides
of the border. I look forward to everything being in order, and for
life to even out. Yesterday I stopped by the beautiful cemetery where
we buried Carlin. It was time to remove the geraniums Cheri and I had
placed there for the Memorial Day week. I was happy to bring them home
and plant them in the “Carlin Garden” container garden. So precious.
Memories. A tear.
When
Ray asked me how I was doing, I thought about all the times I have felt
a pure joy welling up within me, and then, the times of busyness, the
details it seems I’ve been continually dealing with, the times I look at
the chair where Carlin used to lay his clothes when he was getting
ready for bed (oh. tears). But I, so tangibly, know my tender Father’s
care.
The other day, while driving to yet another appointment to sign
some papers, I was taken, overwhelmed, with a beautiful sense of being
loved. I felt such love, as if I were hugged. As I mused on that, I
thought it had to be my Father, again, who has promised to be a husband
to the husbandless. So, when I am asked how I am doing, I have to say I
am walking in peace and assurance and joy. There may be some who would
chose to misunderstand that, and perhaps I am expressing it poorly.
You, who have walked through the loss of a spouse would understand more
clearly. “Oh, how He loves you and me,” goes the old song. I am so
grateful.
One
of Carlin’s dear friends, JP, who worked alongside Carlin at MBMission
as, among other things, the IT guy, has been so helpful to me. Dear,
dear JP.
One
day when he and his wife, Sam, were here, I asked JP what of Carlin’s
could I give him. He replied that he would really love to have a book
that was special to Carlin. We walked into the library.
Where to
start? I reached over and pulled out Carlin’s Spurgeon’s devotional
book, which Carlin has read every day over the past couple of years,
making notations in the margins. And he even noted the time when, after
his prognosis, he had been awake during the night and in his spirit
just asked God for something. He needed something. And to Carlin, it
was as if a voice—was it Jesus or angels—that said, “I will hold your
hand, and we will walk away quietly together.”
Well, with a catch in my
heart, I gave JP that precious book. Perhaps it would be a major thing
in his life as it had been in Carlin’s. The follow up to that story is
that, after tending to business this past Monday, I dropped by our
friends, Ron and Sandra’s home. We had a really nice visit (friends are
so precious). Then Ron said, “Marcia, I bought a book for you” (people
do give you books in an effort to comfort), and there in my hand I
read, “We Shall See GOD, Charles Spurgeon’s classic devotional thoughts
on Heaven,” by Randy Alcorn. I was so caught by once again,
experiencing God’s tender care. Coincidence? Not a chance! Carlin’s
Spurgeon is back in my hands with expansion on Heaven.
I
feel a strange thing these days when now I am forced to use the words,
“I, me, mine” in relation to everything—the car, the house, the
accounts, the insurances, life. It doesn’t feel right. So many years
it has been “we, us, ours.” It feels selfish, or something. How
singular life has become. Where before, the way I thought (most of the
time!) was for what was best for Carlin, how I could bless him, how I
could do what he wanted to do.
It’s now a new way of thinking. I’ve
also mused how it would be very easy as a single person to become
self-absorbed, as now it is solely, what is best for Marcia, what
blesses me, this is what I want to do. My one protection against that
is my relationship with God as He will keep me others focused, thinking
what is best for so-and-so, what would bless her/him, and what can I do
to facilitate what she or he wants to do.
A friend, Marg, unbeknownst to anyone, took a home video of Carlin’s May 2nd
graveside service and just a few days ago gave me three DVDs for the
girls. She apologized for it being a unedited thing, but it was a
special gift. People have offered yard work, dinners out, visits in,
etc. continually and I am so blessed to have friends around. I continue
with my Bible study girls (all close to my age, but I still call them
“girls”). Precious friends.
More
precious is how God ministers to my spirit. Just a few days ago I read
from one of my devotional books, Progress of Another Pilgrim by Frances
J. Roberts, (it is written as if Jesus is speaking directly to you), “I
will minister to you as you wait upon me . . .and I know precisely what
you need. . .I will give you what you need for health of soul and
strength of spirit. Go your way in peace and in rejoicing. The Lord
your God is with you and will be your helper.” How good is that?
Four
days ago the phrase “Enoch walked with God and he was not for God took him” was
going through my mind. I mentioned it to some friends,
“Carlin
walked with God and he was not for God took him.” Indeed, it seems
like that to me. Gone from normal living in less than six weeks, and
caught up to Heaven! Pure joy, inexpressible joy for Carlin. Love, as
he never knew before—both his love for Jesus, and Jesus’ love for him. I
can imagine Carlin in all that. When I think of Heaven, what time I
have left before I join Carlin and all the hosts of Heaven is just o.k.
There’s only glory up ahead.
Thanks for your prayers (I know God is answering). Thanks for reading my rambling.
God bless you all today.
Marcia
