Sunday, 22 March 2015

Almost a Year

Each morning, among my devotional books, I read Carlin’s Morning By Morning by Charles H. Spurgeon.  As I hold this book, I know I am touching Carlin’s fingerprints, touching a book he treasured.  I am moved by the phrases he has underlined, and the dates and comments he has made in the margins.  Carlin was never into journaling, but, oh, yes, as you pick up any Bible or book he has read, there is obvious evidence of who he was and what meant a lot to him. 
Carlin was a tender hearted, gentle person.  I try to imagine what his joy must be as he is in the presence of Jesus now.
So, what am I left with?  Half a person sometimes.  I feel like my days now, near the anniversary of his death are with heavy feet, plodding along.  I shuffle through the memories of the last year, this time, with Carlin fading fast before my very eyes.  Then, came home hospice care, where he was put on morphine and other medications.  I’m still not sure if all that was necessary.  I know the morphine took him from me days before he actually breathed his last breath on April 19, 2014.
What a day to now mark as an anniversary!  I plan to go to the cemetery and sit a long while contemplating.  I will consider our almost 52 years together and how awesome God has been, as the song says, “Jesus led me all the way.”  I’ll think on Scripture verses.  I’ll praise Him for His tender love and care for Carlin, and now for me as I am charting out a different life. 
I am so very grateful for friends who seem to speak and listen at just the right moments.
I am so very grateful for “the cottage” which has been in need of some repairs, and I’m grateful how God has led me to people to help to pull it off.  One example:  we took out the old wood stove, and installed a gas insert fireplace.  Oh, how grateful I am for that!
I know my time of grieving is poignant.  I feel out of place in a grief group I attend once per month, and I feel in a different space just being in church Sunday by Sunday.  It’s hard to explain.  But it seems I want to change things—me, the older, mature, grieving woman.  I must remember it is just my space right now.
But I am grateful, so grateful, for God’s presence with me.
In another devotional book I read the other day, this jumped out at me:
“It is a great comfort to me to realize anew that it is God and only God I need.  ‘Thou, O Lord, art the thing I long for.’  Psalm 7:5.  Yes, it is He, my Lord, my Beloved Who satisfies my heart and makes me whole and strong however pressed the outward man may be.”
That’s pretty much it.  Praise!

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